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Finding Peace Amidst Chaos

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August 1st, 2006

opps lotions i mean!

spell check where are you!


Ahhh, is there nothing so wonderful as sinfully sugary lip gloss and sweet smelling fragrances from Victoria's Secret? I brought the 2 for $10 lip gloss...in "sugar" and "piece of cake" and sweet temptation lotins and stuff for 3 for $24!!!!
And my new EVER SO CUTE frosty pink cell phone cover and ear piece so that I can talk on my cell hand free!!!!!!!!!
A true girly girl to my core....and everything feels better when I am all dolled up!

It is so wonderful being a girl!!!!!!!!!

July 29th, 2006

After being promised that we would be getting my brother on 8/03, we have been jumping through hoops to get our little home ready for another person. I have gone on his school website and read up on things that could help him. I made lists of "things to do" for his medical and financial well being., I have been mentally making little notes about what fun activities we would do before school started. I informed my new employers (oh yes, I got ANOTHER promotion) that my schedule would be subject to change due to the guardianship.
Mostly, GH (Great Husband) and I have been just plain excited. We adore him and want the best for him. Our hearts are in the right place....

Of course, as in any fairy tale, this is when the monster comes out and turns the happy story very, very, bad.

The investigator called at 2 on Friday. Apparently she spoke to M- on the phone and he said he wanted to stay with the uncle.
She also spoke to my Grandmother. She made the uncle's case very attractive.
The investigator is no longer sure who to place M- with.
Remember the blog about me being the rag doll? Well, it appears that the angry german shepherd (also known as my family)is rearing its ugly head.
I was immediately sick to my stomach.
There are so many reasons why this was a bad thing. Simply, the investigator should have asked M- in person!!!
M- says things are good there now and the uncle is saying things like"we are going to family counselling, we are going to put him in summer camp, and he is enrolled in a martial arts class."
And all these things make the investigator believe the uncle is trying to change his ways...and all the worry over the violent tendencies fly out the window.
Angry, upset and frustrated at the system, I was physically sick last night. My GH's wonderful family listened, supported and comforted me. My older sister, as busy as she is, listened to me rant and rave. And my husband and I raged and mourned together.
And I prayed.
I went to bed dejected, and feeling raw inside...like I had once again been the fool manipulated and rejected by my
dysfunctional family and the system.
When would I learn? How can I maintain my belief in all the goodness in people, when even as I write this, I am writing about bad?
My peace came to me. My GH is so wonderful. I adore him. He told me something last week that has changed me. And my spiritual faith (the one that my uncle is so against) has brought me peace.
And I have a beautiful outlook, that is not only enlightened, but wise. Which would come to a surprise to the members of my family who find me unintelligent.
Here it is:
Whatever happens on Thursday is a direct result of M- having 2 choices. I cannot change what he has said. I want custody of him. I believe we are the best choice. But if he stays with the uncle, the court is going to have the recommendation to give me court appointed visitation. I will not be forced out of his life. My family will have to deal with that. If the court doesn't give me visitation, my family will not allow visits, especially now that I went so forcefully against the "will of my mother". And if I get my brother,then I will still have to deal with the family and their issues. The enlightenment comes from the GIFT that this experience has given me. Each of my family have let me know EXACTLY what they think of me. I no longer have to try to gain respect, or admiration, or love. Nothing I do will change how they ALREADY FELT. I have been freed from the guilt. They have no respect for me. And as my GH has said, though he knew it caused great pain to my sensitive heart.....they have just tolerated you your whole life. Why do you try so hard to please people who don't even deserve you? Truth hurts. But it was the truth. Why do I??? Whatever happens, I do not feel the same need to please them as I did even a week ago.
I am gifted with my husband . He is a blessing in my life. I know he loves me. He stands by me. He is my eternal partner...and my love him has quadrupled in the last 2 weeks.
I have lost more than my mother this year. But through that loss, I have gained truth. Something that so many people live their whole lives trying to find and understand.
So all is well. I promised M- I would always take a stand for him, and I kept my promise.
I feel in my heart (since Friday's change in events) the courts will side with my uncle. M- will live with him. I did what I could do. And in trying to help my brother, I freed myself.

July 25th, 2006

I filed for Guardianship of my little brother M- today. The investigator in the case told me that M- first of all asked to live with me and then said if he could not live with me, then he would want to live in foster care. It appears that my Uncle and his Mensa-member wife have anger issues and have been threatening the child with a crowbar. Also, he told the Social Work Investigator that my Uncle told my brother that he would beat him with a telephone book because it doesn't leave bruises. This sounds like someone with a serious violent streak and it is really frightening. The Investigator almost pulled M-out and took him to CPS that day. She said he seemed terrified.
So I filed. Who wouldn't? We love him. We want him to be happy.
I was told to just tell the family it was what I wanted and not discuss the details I had been told. The Court fears M- will be the brunt of a violent outburst if they think we know...um....yeah...I got that.
Still, they said I should verbally tell Grandma and
just tell her it was what I think is best for Mark. She was livid.
Of course.
Too bad for her. She said in addition to Uncle and Mensa wife, she and my dearly departed Mother had many conversations about how I was not financially, and get this, intellectually equipped to take on my bro.
Yeah, can we say..."snobbery insult 101"?
Thats my family. Since when did we have to have the highest of IQ's to raise happy, healthy, well- adjusted children????? Good thing are babies aren't ripped out of our arms because we aren't smart! Wasn't there a book about that by George Orwell?The dumb breeding.... Not that I am smart enough to read or understand books.....
My hubby and I also make pretty good money, we are planning on getting a house soon and we can afford a third mouth...no biggie there....

Thanks, Grams...guess we know who you will be supporting. Which I told her. She said she was miserably "caught in the middle".
Oh, and now she IS coming to the hearing....she wants to give the judge a piece of her mind ....yeah. That will be fun.

July 18th, 2006

Ok, so I am totally worn out. Exhausted. For the last 24 hours I have felt like a ragdoll in the mouth of a very angry German Shepherd. (Smiles at the thought.)I cannot write all that has happened tonight.
The crazy thing is that nothing has changed at all....everything in my life is exactly how it was two days ago.
Isn't that so amazing?
That life can sometimes come in and give you a big giant bite in the butt????
And all you have left is a pain in the..***!
OK. Thats all for tonight.
Sense of humor....still in tact!
Job interview 36 hours and counting!

July 14th, 2006

cloud 9

My life seems to be blessed beyond measure right now. The stars are in alignment, my pixie dust is actually working on me and karma has finally come around to kiss my angelic face!
I really believe that God has been watching over me. Here's why.
Monday was bad. I found out I have no legal visitation rights to my brother. ZIP. ZERO. It really made me sad.
Tuesday was bad. My mom's drunk best friend called me drunk to rehash and tell me how wrong I was and by the end of this overlong conversation I was weeping.
Wednesday was mixed.I went to work all gloomy-like due to the weeping. I then got stuck in horrible traffic caused by someone hurting themselves by running into a semi truck.
But then I got a call for an interview for the supervisor job I want because it will be the step I need to further my "career path " and bring in $500 more a month!!!
But I just accepted a promotion I will start next Monday, so I worried on how to tell my new bosses that I was going on another promotional interview.Ethically I didn't want them to think I wasn't grateful...so I was weighing all of my options. And praying.
Thursday was my "pixie dust day" at about 3:30.
My current bossman called me into his office.
It has come to his attention that I am up for a 5% raise on August 2nd and he and my soon to be bossman have agreed to split my worktime for 2 more weeks if I were agreeable and then August 2nd I would get my promotional %5 raise and my regular 5% raise! Double my increase! Also because I am tecnically with the old job, I don't have to tell the new job I am going on a promotional interview next Friday!!!!
Which, IF I got that , would blow both raises outta the water and prepare me for my next big step!!!
Also, My Brother M- was at Grandma's last night and I was gratefully able to go have dinner over there and hang out with him for a few hours!!!!!
Seee!!! Blessings!
Oh and today my old job is having a luncheon for me!!!!

July 8th, 2006


I love mornings! I was just waxing happy and like some evil goblin, my computer screen went blank and I lost all of my happy little thoughts!!!!!!
It will not get me down and I will rewrite!
You see it is morning where everything is fresh, peaceful and glowing in the early dawn's light.
I was musing that when we buy a home I want to plant morning glories. Then I will go out in my peaceful, happy back yard and eat breakfast with flowers that appreciate and understand my great love of mornings!
I am an Early Bird... and I love it!
For all you Night Owls out there, I appreciate your "hoo-hootiness" too...you are beautiful too...it just isn't what nature made me!
My mother was a Night Owl. She taught me to appreciate both....and recognising her little girl was an Early Bird(I used to get up before the whole family)she put me to work. Before I was ten, she taught me the ways of making coffee so that when she would have to wake up, it would be ready for her. I still to this day do not drink coffee. Could not stand the stuff-ever!
Anyhow,I am pretty jealous of Dire-Epiphany who went to see "Pirates" yesterday.
Also want to go tomorrow with GH (Great Husband) to a place called Apple Hill. Pick blackberries...mmmmm
Today's a girl day. I am going to see The Devil Wears Prada and have lunch with a dear friend of mine!
More later!!

July 7th, 2006

Happy its Friday!!!!!!

For those with 8-5 Jobs that sit in grey cubicles, without even the internet to entertain, Fridays are to be celebrated!!!!!
*This week I worried about my little brother too much. And missed him even more.
*This week I ate all the wrong foods, and did not work out EVEN ONE TIME!!!!
*This week I was so glad that I only have one more week of my current hated work situation.(Only to go to a new hated promotion WITH A NEW GREY CUBICLE...I know I am supposed to be grateful...tell me that when my first novel hits $1 million gross in a month and then I complain!_(Prolly cuz I won't have any rights!_Opps bunny trail!)
*This week I really missed my sweet husband...who started his first week working Swing Shift!!
*This week was way too long and exhausting. I am so thankful it is the end of this week!!!!!
Other Reasons I am HAPPY:
*I got my Stampin Up book for 2006-2007
*I actually scrapbooked for the first time in four months.
*I have a great husband!!
*I have a great older sister!

July 4th, 2006

(no subject)

Here I go!
First entry on Live Journal! Thanks Dire-Epiphany for my cute Pixie Pic!
She's so precious!
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